Preface
This article is a follow-up to the author’s first article entitled “A Solution to Post-Pandemic Parenting Problems.” It provides an example of how one’s “Inner Family,” which the author employs in her clinical psychology, coaching and facilitation work, can help people resolve issues that come up when they are triggered by someone else.
Note: In the journal entries below that the author scripted after she was triggered, here are the Inner Family member names she uses for herself and who they represent…
- “Little B” and “LB”: her inner 3-year-old
- “Super B” and “SB”: her inner 7-year-old
- “Bubblin’ B” and “BB”: her inner teen
- “DrBeth” and “DB”: her divine wise self
Introduction
I began reading to my mom the first article I wrote. About a third of the way through reading it, she interrupted me by asking, “When are you going to mention Jesus?” and “Why are you not talking about God?” Then she said, “This makes no sense and it’s ridiculous to go through life without God.” Her questions and statements immediately triggered me.
First of all, I don’t talk about God or religion when it comes to my professional work. And second, when I was reading the article to my mom, I wasn’t thinking about God or Jesus. I was coming to my mom from a place of pure joy, from my Inner 3-year-old who wanted to be seen, heard and appreciated by my mom.
When I get triggered by others, I typically get angry first. After taking some breaths, I go inside, do a “Mirror Mirror” exercise, and begin talking with my Inner Family members. Following are the conversations I had with each of my Inner Family that I entered into my journal.
My Journal Entries
My mom triggered the hell out of me! Breathing. Curious why I care so much? Curious what happens in me when I don’t get my mom’s approval. What do I tell myself? It is her way of coping. It is her way to give herself selfish self-care. So again curious, why is my chest tight? Why are my shoulders tight? Lower back started hurting. I stood up and walked away after saying a few not-so-great DrBeth things. I want to hurt her the way she hurt me. I want to take her out the way I feel taken out. I want to shame, blame, demean, hurt her and make her feel like crap. Beautiful, DrBeth – right after you wrote that article. Ok, that too is not cool, shaming myself. I am journaling instead of acting it out. That wins a few points, right? Had a great call with Alice – it takes a village – sooooo grateful!! Took a walk – more self-care points.
Little B, what do you need? I’m sad. Hurts when my mom does not love me. Sweetie, I love you so much and your mommy sooooo loves you. What she said is totally not about you. And what you are making it mean is a gift for us to uplevel, see where we stop ourselves from being vulnerable with our writing. How do you feel now after the walk and talk with Alice? I’m really feeling all good except I know Super b and Bubblin b are still in it, which makes me a little nervous. But overall I’m good – go help them.
Super B, how about you? I’m having tons of big mixed feelings. One, I’m super proud of writing the article today, doing what I said I was going to do and totally finishing it and sending it off to Eric to edit. I feel super proud of the conversation with Alice and tons of stuff we uncovered together. I guess what’s still there is the guilt and shame about getting so triggered and also knowing that triggers are a gift – blah blah blah in this moment. I know it intellectually and don’t feel it emotionally. I still want to avoid triggers at all cost because it does not feel good or fun or inspiring and really feels embarrassing, shameful, and shitty to tell the absolute truth. I think I “should” be further along. And then I know not to “should” and that it’s great to feel all the feelings and have all the insights. Enough already – get to the other side. And I know not to rush it. See big huge mixed feelings. DrBeth: all good, my love. I so understand and get it, expect it, love it, and trust we will get through it. Hang in there, precious rock star!! We’ve got this and I promise there will be gold in them there tears, feelings, and hills. What else? SB: I’m feeling pissed at Mom and all the other times I’ve been criticized for my writing. Mirror Mirror, I know I’ve done it to myself, then I feel shame for feeling pissed. Ugh! DB: keep going, my love. You’re doing great and I’m so loving you, so proud of you and we will get through this slush. Feel those feelings and name them out, name them out so you don’t unconsciously act them out!! What else, my precious beautiful talented writer rock star? SB: Thanks, I did feel like it was a pretty good article. And I feel scared to feel good about it. What if it’s a blind spot? What if others think it sucks? DB: Do you love it? SB: Yes, I thought it was really powerful and great!! DB: Who are we writing for? SB: I guess me. So how big could we celebrate? Let’s let BB bring on the cocky!
Bubblin’ B: Yeah, I’ll brag!! And I can feel the fear. I think it’s still Super B that we will get caught with our pants down. DB: can you brag for SB and for you and forget whoever sees something different for themselves? Are we willing to be the screen for others to see themselves and love up their own disgusting mirrors like get on the damn court and write something yourself? Or easy to throw stones from the nose bleed section. Or I hope you can feel the kind of passion I feel and be willing to show up in the world no matter what others might say. Or it might matter to this starfish as I throw something up on the screen to possibly stir another human being the way the article stirs me. Seemed to move Alice too. I trust and believe my friend would not blow smoke up my skirt. And it would have been ok if she did not love it, like it, get moved by it, and just held space for me to feel all my feelings. I love her so much for letting me get to be me and for her to reflect, add to, and become even more of her greatness. We have such a great “all boats rising” with each other. I wish for everyone to have a friend that practices the 10 keys with you. What a gift!! Thank you, Alice Longoria – you are super close to the light. LOL : ) DB: Yes, you both are Mirror Mirror.
DB: I see you are breathing lighter, tightness is gone, happiness is here – check. Anyone need anything else? LB: Feeling loved, lovable, lovey dovey, lovey dovey. SB: I’ve won this one – slam dunk – to the bank!! BB: Oh yeah, I’m hot and cool all at the same time. Loving it all up inside and out. Thank God! There, Mom, are you happy??!! Mom, I do love you sooooo much for being you exactly as you are. EXACTLY!!
Wrap-up
In retrospect, if I had thought about what might happen before I approached my mom to read my article to her, I probably would have realized that she would react the way she did. It gave me a chance to look at my mirror about where I was not truly connecting with myself and where my mom was not connecting with me. In some ways, this is sometimes what keeps me from fully showing up in the world.
In the end, it was a gift that my mom said what she did so that I could see the mirror, have those Inner Family conversations, and resolve the conflict. Triggers are indeed opportunities for us to see, feel, heal and grow. I get to decide how to react to these triggers and I get to learn from them. I’m grateful for this knowing. How about you? What are your triggers? How do you react to them and resolve them? For more information, go to https://DrBeth.com/Freestuff
Author Bio
Dr. Beth Halbert, a.k.a. DrBeth, known as “America’s Teenologist,” has a 30+ year history working as a corporate trainer, keynote speaker, executive coach, educator, and consultant for family-owned businesses and Fortune 500 companies. She has a thriving private clinical psychology practice working with teens and parents of teens, offers a variety of courses, programs, workshops and services, and delivers highly educational and extremely entertaining keynote presentations.
As a licensed child psychologist and expert with teens, parents, teachers, health professionals, and others, DrBeth has worked with thousands of families and “first responders” to create stronger parent-teen bonds. She takes a unique approach to helping families overcome the difficulties of adolescence, combining proven clinical practices with warmth, playfulness, self-expression, love, and compassion. She knows how teens think and act and gets them to talk about their emotions and behaviors. She also knows strong-willed adults and gets them to accept themselves exactly as they are and accept their children and others exactly as they are.
In short, DrBeth fully understands human behavior, relational dynamics and “inner family” dynamics (including our inner three-year-old’s, our inner seven-year-old’s, and our inner teens). She works closely and compassionately with people of all ages, supporting them to appreciate themselves, engage in positive dialogue with others, and develop healthy, connected, loving relationships in especially challenging, dysfunctional situations.
DrBeth has a BA in Psychology from Baylor University, a MEd in Human Resource Development from Vanderbilt University, and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. She is the author of the award-winning book Embracing Defiance: Helping Your Child Find Their Unique Voice While Keeping Your Sanity, which helps parents understand and appreciate the value of healthy defiance. She is also a singer, songwriter and producer of multiple children-and-parent music CDs.