Is your teenager defiant? Combative? Challenging? An absolute pain in the butt? Then I have one word for you: Congratulations! That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Defiance is healthy. It’s actually a good thing. And you can take all the credit for allowing your teen to know that it’s okay to test your boundaries, instead of always doing what you say.
If your teen is always “nice and sweet,” you may have a major communication problem. Because what you’re seeing may be a polite facade hiding beneath a bubbling brew of self-doubt and insecurity. If your teen can tell you to your face that they don’t like something about you, that they disagree with you, then you’ve done a great job of making them feel safe. They are letting you know they believe you can handle whatever they throw at you. Believe me, this daily battle is far better than a child not feeling seen, heard or appreciated, not being able to express themselves, and perhaps even contemplating suicide. Many teens feel so overwhelmed with their inner thoughts and feelings, yet they worry they will hurt their parents if they tell them the truth.
I know it’s not that easy. Recently a frustrated mother told me: “I’m a corporate executive. I make over $200K a year, lead a team of employees, and feel great about myself most of the time. But when my teenage daughter says something negative about me, I turn into a pile of mush. Why do I crumble into a three-year-old when she tells me she doesn’t want to be seen with me or that my hair embarrasses her? Why do I care?!”
First of all, you’re not alone. I know very few mothers who don’t get hooked by this onslaught of teen defiance. The first and most important step to model for your teen is to take good care of yourself first. Don’t take the nastiness seriously. I know it’s hard not to get upset, but once you do, remind yourself that this is a good thing and that you’re actually a great mom because your teen has the confidence to express their feelings, hurtful and over the top as they may be.
Keep telling yourself, “My teenager is just playing with me.” It’s true, teens play with words the same way little kids play fight games with toys; they make up the rules as they go along. Word games with mom are safe because mothers don’t go away. Teens bounce all this nasty stuff off of you because they’re expressing how they really feel inside watching for – and learning from – the reactions you give. If you can deal with it, they feel safe in expressing themselves and realize their nastiness is manageable.
When you take your teen too seriously and become devastated by their words, this actually puts more pressure on your teen. Because they think, “If I’m so powerful to crumble Shero Queen Bee Mom, then maybe I’m too much to handle, maybe there is something wrong with me for having all these feelings.” Then they might project more of their “I think I’m bad” feelings onto the safest person – mom – which could lead to more intense, raging and harmful patterns.
Expressing their feelings is exactly what you want from a developmental-teen stage. A teenager who feels secure enough to talk nasty to mom will be secure enough to talk tough to an abusive boyfriend, a drug-pushing peer or an unfair employer. A girl who can’t say no to a parent won’t be able to do so with the boy who wants her to go too far. Teens have to be able to speak up, rebel, defy and get angry without their parents crumbling and taking it personally. Because when they can, teens will feel better about themselves and more secure when they become adults.
That notwithstanding, I’m not saying that you should take verbal and physical abuse from your child (even though you can’t control what they say and what they do). You need to take care of yourself and set physical and emotional boundaries. The key is to protect yourself without making your teen wrong for having “nasty” feelings. Your job is to show them a more appropriate way to express their feelings. Otherwise, they may get hurt by others for acting out their feelings in an irresponsible way.
What’s actually happening is that they don’t want to be treated like a child and are terrified of growing up, especially if the most important adult in their lives – you – are unhappy. If you’re having trouble at work, stressed over money or having relationship problems, if you’re angry or depressed or abusing yourself with substances or in an emotional way, that makes the idea of growing up for them, that is, adulthood, even scarier. Your teen needs you to be strong, calm and patient with them, and you need to take care of yourself!
One of the most important mom roles often requires saying “no” to your teen, despite all of the ensuing consequences. Maybe you’re chauffeuring them around, buying them things and giving them money when they ask for it. And in return you’re getting the sullen monotone treatment, or perhaps worse, verbal abuse. Even if it upsets you, it’s important to reflect for your teen the impact they’re having on you – without shutting them down emotionally.
It’s quite a balancing act, I know. They need to understand when they act entitled, rude, hurtful, disrespectful, passive aggressive, that they don’t always get what they want or get positive reinforcement from you for their disrespectful words and behavior. Sometimes it might be helpful if they find themselves walking home or taking a bus.
The fact is, it’s better that teens understand the impact they have on others as a minor, rather than later in life, which could result in their first manager firing them for acting out at their colleague inappropriately. What I hear from corporate executives about young adults is worrisome – managers have very little tolerance when teens have a “sense of entitlement” and unrealistic expectations from being pampered by a “doting, perfect” mom. Executives ask, “How did they get away with this behavior growing up?”
Many moms tell me they are trying to give their children things they were never given. I so appreciate the intention to make things better with their child. However, when you try to be a hero in order to get praise from your teen, if may feel like you’re head-butting a brick wall. Yes, parenting is often a thankless job!
It’s time to stop, for your and your teen’s sake. Make the decision that you’re not going to do any more favors for your teen unless you want nothing in return. If you give and give to the point of resentment, chances are you will overreact emotionally at the wrong time. Your teen won’t understand why you “hit the roof” over such a seemingly meaningless issue or incident.
Even though your teen won’t seem to appreciate your boundary of self-care, you’ll actually be doing them a huge favor. Otherwise, they will carry the burden and guilt of you not taking care of yourself into adulthood and will emulate your behavior (to the detriment of their children). I’ve asked many teens, “Would you rather your mom say ‘yes’ and be mad at you and resent you, or just say ‘no’ and let you be mad. Every time, they say they would rather their parents say ‘no’ than live with the guilt trip and unpredictable emotional reactions of the alternative.
Why is it imperative to let your teen be mad? Because your frustration at being a personal driver and cash machine for an ungrateful teen is being felt by your child. They feel bad, embarrassed, guilty, wrong. They’ll act out, either by getting in trouble in the real world or by turning inward with anger and self-destructive behavior to justify and express how bad they feel. They hate being angry with someone who’s helping them so much, living for their teen’s happiness. The unspoken agreement between you is: I gave you everything; now the least you can do is be happy and appreciative. When they have feelings that don’t fit this agreement, they feel bad and wrong for making you miserable. And when you feel unappreciated, unloved, questioning about whether you’re a good mom, you might get mad at them for “the last straw” incident, which will make them wonder why you snapped.
So, let them off the hook. The next time they want a ride someplace and you have to drop what you’re doing to give it and you know you’ll resent it, just say “no!” And expect and “let” them be mad without you getting angry that they are upset. When you give and give without checking in with yourself, they can never be the child who will meet your needs of reciprocation. Give them the freedom and right to be angry with you for not meeting their every possible waking need. Tell them to walk, bike, find a ride or grab the bus. They’ll be furious, which is the idea. Now they have a reason to be angry, and you don’t have to take it personally. They get to learn how to be resourceful, e.g. learn the transit system or work those leg muscles, which will prepare them for when they are on their own.
In a larger sense, they begin to learn how to manage life when it’s not handed to them on a silver platter. They get to be legitimately mad at you. How cool is that? For them, not for you. They don’t have to feel crazy for having all those “negative” feelings. Secondly, they come to trust that you can tolerate their feelings and understand that they are not too much to handle.
When everyone can deal with and tolerate feelings, then parents don’t have to use methods and tools to medicate, like drugs, alcohol, food, TV, workaholism, and other unhealthy behaviors. If an adult can’t handle a child being mad at them, the child will learn to hide those emotions, medicate, not feel their true self. At that point, you’ve lost touch with your child, to say nothing of the child losing touch with him/herself.
Of course, you’re going to be terrified the first time you say “no,” set new boundaries, and anticipate their rage reaction. You’ll dread their verbal abuse. But it gets easier when you don’t take it seriously and don’t believe all those crazy things they will make up. It’s their job to test you. The way to pass the test is to not take it personally. Keep telling yourself, “I’m good enough and I don’t need my teen to please me, like me and be happy for me to feel good about myself. I know I’m a good parent and I find healthy ways to meet my own needs. That’s what a partner or a friend and my own inner strength are for.”
Communication with your teenager can be a matter of life and death – and communication isn’t always easy or pleasant. If it is, you’re not getting the real picture of your teen’s life – and they’re not getting vital information from you. They’re getting it from their friends, from social media, from websites they probably shouldn’t be frequenting. And their values will likely be influenced more by their peers who also don’t feel safe to express unpleasant feelings with their parents.
You can’t be both a best friend and a mom for your teen. So, embrace the parent role and stand your ground against your teen’s anger. I know it will be scary because you’re forging new ground you may not have walked through with your own parents. Get support from others who have actually crossed the bridge and survived to tell about it. It will be better for you and your happiness and, I promise, it will be better for your teens. To prove and model that they can handle anything they’re faced with, you first have to handle what you’re faced with—them and all their adolescent feelings and angst. Trust me on this one. Embrace, even rejoice, in your teen’s defiance. It’s a good thing if you can continue to take care of yourself and not let them get away with emotional murder.
Once you’ve stopped trying to be Super Mom, Perfect Mom, or a best friend to your teen, you’ll both be more comfortable in your roles. You’ll be able to find new friends your age who will actually appreciate who you are, how you look, what you think, and what you believe. It’s healthier for both of you, and it improves the chances that your teen won’t wind up in a rehab program in their 20’s, living with you in their 30’s, or out of work in their 40’s.
If you’d like to see how you’re doing with your parenting, please go to www.drbeth.com and click on the free “Power Parenting Quiz” to assess your own “teen defiance.” You may be surprised at how well you’re actually doing with your teen.
About the Author
Dr. Beth Halbert, “America’s Teenologist,” is a licensed psychologist and family therapist with over 25 years of counseling experience. Visit www.DrBeth.com for more information. For questions, concerns, comments or support, please email Drbeth@DrBeth.com.